A Hater’s Point Of View: Slomo


I, like many of you, was introduced to Slomo about two months ago. Which in the social media world equates to about five years. Remember #saveourgirls? Yeah, exactly! Actually, I can pin point the date I finally gave in and watched this video, because I tweeted my hatred for it immediately. The date was April 2, 2014. One day after April Fool’s day, which was highly convenient as I felt like I got duped for giving into the rollerblading hype about this documentary. You might be asking yourself, “Why are you writing an article about a video that everyone has forgotten about already?” Well, because I finally got a chance to finish writing this shit and I’m such a self centered asshole that I feel like people just have to read my work.

DISCLAIMER: I unfortunately feel like I have to write this seeing as how humor and rollerblading just don’t seem to mix. This is a parody article. If you couldn’t tell that this was written jokingly by the title of the article then, well, you’re an idiot. Please leave all hate below. Be sure to use a fake name too!

If you haven’t seen this documentary, congratulations! But, here’s a brief summary for those that are interested. An incredibly rich, white, former doctor spends his golden years rollerblading under the pseudonym “Slomo” pretending to have a disease where he cant recognize faces just so he doesn’t have to bother remembering peoples names. OK that was a little harsh, he does more than rollerblade. He also listens to music that he creates while rollerblading. He also rocks a bucket hat the whole time so I guess you can say he was ahead of his time in the blader fashion world. Speaking of, shout out to all of you who will be rocking overalls this Fall / Winter. Keep telling yourself you’re doing it ironically. We all believe you.

I decided to watch this video again with a more open mind this time around. Basically, I chugged a couple of beers and prepared myself to watch a bored, privileged old man, rollerblade and land forward for 16 minutes straight. So here’s the thing, I get it. No, really, I do. I understand the whole philosophical bullshit you’re about to feed me in the comments section about how money can’t bring you happiness and how you share the same spiritual awareness through rollerblading with him and blah, blah, blah. Listen, if you’re writing shit like this in the first place I guarantee you that you’re white and you already lost any type of credibility with me. If you use words like “spiritual” you sir are white. I don’t care what skin tone you are, you’re white. If you get anything more out of rollerblading than a few cuts and bruises or disappointed parents then you need to readjust your priorities in life.

The documentary condenses Slomo’s past within the first seven minutes as he pretentiously brags about how financially rich he used to be, listing items of wealth such as: BMW’s, Ferrari’s, an exotic animal farm, and a mansion. As he speaks about how rich he used to be, he neglects to mention how rich he still happens to be. He simplified his baller lifestyle and according to the documentary is now living in a studio apartment. Most of you probably saw this as commendable or impressive on a spiritual level, but what is he really doing on a surface level? He’s fucking stacking racks! Racks on racks on racks! Think about it. He’s a retired neurologist. Do you know how much a neurologist makes while practicing? According to a random health website I found, “An average neurologist’s yearly salary ranges between $123,170 and $223,500 per annum while an average hourly wage ranges from between $21.62 to $225 per hour, based on years of work experience.” Now that probably has no meaning to you, because you’re a rollerblader and quite honestly are not smart financially otherwise you wouldn’t waste your time rollerblading. But basically, the man is set for life and honestly has no worries when it comes to daily living.

About halfway through bragging about his lifestyle that we’d all kill to have, Slomo then reveals that he eventually came to the realization that all he wanted to do was skate for the rest of his life. I think he says something along the lines of, “Oh no! I’m too rich! I need to create more problems for myself, because I just can’t be happy with all these means of success!” #whitepeopleproblems. Now this is where all you blader fan boys get your shoe lace belts in a bunch and slide off your computer chairs. I think this was the point that initially pissed me off upon my first viewing. Lets break this down shall we? He’s a retired neurologist, he’s currently single, he’s financially rich, and I think it’s safe to assume his son is of the age where he doesn’t need to be supported financially based on Slomo’s age. What does this mean? This guy literally has nothing to worry about in his life other than doing whatever the hell he wants. So it’s like, fuck it! Why not spend my life rollerblading?

SloMo
Photo: http://www.guardianlv.com

This is where everyone gets it wrong. Rollerbladers apparently still think that you can become rich off of a “sport” that literally has no recognition outside of its own “culture.” Ask any pro blader how much money they’re making. You might have to wait on line at McDonalds for a while to get to your favorite pro’s cash register, but I promise it’ll be worth the chuckle when they answer. You don’t dick around spending your life rollerblading, then become a doctor. You become a doctor and have enough money to waste to think rollerblading is spiritual. That’s the real meaning of this documentary. “Nah man it’s about, like, how money can’t buy you happiness! Soul blader for life bro!” Really? The point of this documentary is that money can’t buy you happiness? Fuck that! How did Slomo come to that realization? He realized this great notion after he made enough money to have the option to know that he can buy pretty much whatever he desired. Of course you can become spiritual when you’re rich, because it’s convenient!

The one thing that pissed me off the most about this documentary is not the fact that I’m watching a guy powerblade for 16 minutes straight without one single hammer, but the interviews that were conducted. Seriously you talked to about 10 people about an old man that rollerblades and not one of them called him a fruitbooter? Or gay? Or a faggot? Come on now! I get called a fag almost every time I step out of my house. It just so happens that I occasionally happen to have rollerblades on when it occurs.

To wrap this shit fest up, I admit, I didn’t hate everything about the Slomo documentary. There was one thing I was quite impressed with. I was highly impressed with his bearings. I mean holy shit! The documentary ends with Slomo pushing off for a total of 3 times and riding off into the sunset on one foot and he never pushes again! I mean, fuck! What is he riding? If you feel like this article was a waste of time or made some pretty awesome life changing points, please leave a comment below and feel free to share the hate.

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5 Responses to “A Hater’s Point Of View: Slomo”

  1. Ruby Tuesdays Says:

    Well that was entertaining I love your opinion on this documentary. And I agree with every point you put out there. I actually like it when you rant you should do this more often.

  2. rollerblading is gay Says:

    its a parody ya fuckin twit

  3. Yo mama Says:

    faggot.

  4. Mc swagger Says:

    Hattterrrrade!

  5. Laaaaaaaced Says:

    I loved slomo but this article is fucking gold.

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