The New York City Blader Diet

As a New York City rollerblader, there are certain stigmas that we’re supposed to live up to. Baggy Evisu jeans, durags, and floppy TRS’s are still a part of our reputation according to the popularized West Coast scene who are only now exploring the depths of Brooklyn because their fellow white kin folk have gentrified the once dangerous areas as of late. As much bullshit as the above mentioned stigma is, there’s one piece of our reputation that we can still live up to…proudly. We know the best places to get our grub on. The I Roll NY staff put together a list of the most common food and beverage choices of a New York City rollerblader. So the next time you hear the dreaded, “Where can I get some awesome New York pizza bro?” question from some out of state blader, you can just link them to this article. We understand that the struggle is real and we’re here to help you survive your day of blading for under $5.00.

Dollar Dumplings
If you’re paying more than $1 for dumplings then you’re a sucker aka you fucking up! Plain and simple. OK, some of the dollar dumpling spots actually charge $1.25 for their dumplings, but that’s the only acceptable extra cost that there should be for this delicious treat. Most of the dumpling spots are tiny holes in the wall where their sanitary level is equivalent to the liners you’re currently skating in, but who cares? They’re little delicious authentic treats made masterfully for only one dollar. You shouldn’t mind the lack of cleanliness of the kitchen and you shouldn’t mind the watered down Sriracha or watered down soy sauce and vinegar because you just got full for one dollar!

Arizona Ice Tea’s
Because fuck water! Why pay $1 for shit that comes free naturally from the earth? Want water? Start digging. The shit is all around us. So fuck you Poland Springs! I’ll keep my dollar and spend it on sugar. But I do fucks with Evian. That shit is like drinking lotion. If anyone has the connect to get the very rare lemonade mint Arizona can holla at me! That was my shit! Arizona’s are perfect for sharing with your thirsty ass friend who was holding out on spending his dollar because he knew your ass was going to get a drink anyway. If you’re willing to sacrifice a few ounces, you’ll get the plastic resealable container for ultimate liquid hoarding capabilities throughout the day.

Halal Food
The life force of New York City. If you ever want to see the “melting pot” that is NYC, hang out in front of a Halal cart. If you ever want to interact with drunk male and female douche bags hang out in front of a Halal cart on a Friday night. Now standard price for a chicken or lamb rice combo is $5, but every now and then you find some uppity cart owner that will try to charge you $6. This is when you steal a drink from the cooler that’s conveniently located just at arm’s length when their back is turned so you break even and don’t feel like you got ripped off. Sorry bruh, but that extra dollar you just charged me made you a fuck boy in my eyes. If the guy’s cool he’ll usually hook you up with some pita bread if you make him chuckle at something slightly racist.

Subway Sandwiches
If there’s no halal cart or bodega in the area, which is unfortunately very common in the midtown and upper east side areas of Manhattan, your best bet is Subway. Now we all know that $5 foot longs are a fucking lie. Have you ever actually paid just $5 for a sandwich from Subway? Because I fucking haven’t. If you can afford it, this is your best bet. Honestly I couldn’t care less what day old meat the “artist” puts on my sandwich. However I care entirely way too much about the fixins. Honestly, just put everything you can fucking think of on my sandwich because I immediately regret spending $8 on this shit. Oh we’re gonna have a lot of fixins! We’re gonna have so many fucking fixins up in this mother fucker. This shit’s gonna go through the fucking roof. God damn I’m shitting gold these days. Kinda makes me wonder why the hell so many people are trying to tell me to slow down. Seems like mother fuckers should be shutting the hell up and enjoying the show. We made it!

Beer & Malt Liquor
By the time you’re 21 in New York City, you’ve already been an alcoholic for about five years. Chances are you’re a pot head and have done your best to recreate the movie Project X, but failed because you’re a rollerblader and we all know rollerbladers get no bitches #sausagefest. Now the standard tall boy of choice is Crazy Stallion. It costs the same as an Arizona, looks the same as an Arizona, and gets you fucked up in a disgusting manner. Side note: My friend and I bought a 24 pack of Crazy Stallion at our local bodega one night…I would follow up this sentence with a wild story, but I don’t remember shit from that night because Crazy Stallion is pretty much time travel in a can. I mean the beer doesn’t even have a website. You can’t even find a decent Google image of it. Now, if you’re a big spender you’ll dish out the additional fifty cents to a dollar for a Coors, Coors Light or PBR tall boy. You must think you’re so high class because you’re drinking a popularized beer. You think you’re better me? Then there’s the 40oz. This is the drink of choice for the older bladers, such as myself, who go to the skate park just to openly drink in public with little to no chance of being harassed. At this age in my life, I’m pretty much an alcoholic who happens to own a pair of rollerblades. Now you know the truth. Die a hero or live long enough to become an Alcoholic.

Food From Home
What are you on a school trip? If you bring homemade food you better bring enough for me and everyone else immediately next to you. No one feels like they CAN’T ask you for a piece of whatever you’re eating when it comes to homemade food, because well, it’s food from your home and we know you have more of it if your ass feels like you can bring it to the session. Listen, you’re sharing that PB&J or bologna and cheese and I really don’t care if you have a problem with that. Mad or nah?!

Bags of Chips
Congratulations, you just payed fifty cents for a bag of air. Do you even remember the last time you were actually satisfied with a bag of chips? Me neither! Go fuck yourself chips. Industry shady it need to be taken over. HOV!

Little Debbie & Other Assorted Snacks / Candies
Every fucking snack in a bodega should cost 50 cents. If your bodega is charging 75 cents then the owner is a fuck boy and he needs an intervention. Get it how you live! These little bad boys are perfect for when you’re on a tight budget, or just finished smoking an L, and need variation in your lifestyle. I say fuck the bag of chips and get yourself an assortment of chocolates and pastries so you can feel like a baller for less than $3. Candy will have you thinking that life is good. Like you’re not fucking up in school, like you’re not still living at home with your momma in that tiny ass apartment….shit, I need a fudge brownie right about now.

Dollar Pizza
Again, if you’re paying more than $1 for this meal while blading, you should fall in a puddle of AIDS. Now, if you want to be an obnoxious and pretentious asshole you’ll say something like, “This isn’t real New York pizza!” Really? Thanks for telling me all about “real” pizza seeing as how you’ve lived in New York City for a grand total of six months you hipster kale eating cunt. When I pay a dollar for food it’s not for it’s authenticity. I’m a grown man on rollerblades, does it look like I can afford anything edible that costs more than a dollar? Do you ever see an adult male on rollerblades and think to yourself, “Wow, that guy’s got it all figured out.” Hell no! So let me eat my dollar slice in peace. Put some hot sauce and Parmesan cheese on that bitch and be out.

Taco Trucks / Chimi Trucks
The Holy Grail. My dick gets hard when I think of tacos. The Mint $oul Gang have mastered the art of this Mexican delicacy and if you’re asking yourself, “Who are the Mint $oul Gang?” Then quite frankly, you’re not about that life! Now a decent taco spot will charge you anywhere from $2 to $2.50 for a taco. Anything more than that means they care way too much about the quality of their food or you’re just in Williamsburg. If you’re fancy you can score a torta, but be prepared to be the envy of all the bladers that will be surrounding you pantomiming each bite you take. Taco’s are a great pick up when you’re ready to go home or when theirs a bathroom close by, because…well #diarrhea.

Honorable mentions: Redbull, Papaya Dog, Popularized fast food chains (ex: McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King…etc.) and Beef Patties with cheese. Think we missed anything? Leave your words of wisdom in our comments section, but make sure to use an anonymous name because you’re a fuck boy.

Tags: new york city, rollerblading